IS UNDERSTANDING LOVE?

We often associate love with affection, attachment and emotional connection. But can we truly love someone without understanding them? And can we genuinely understand someone without developing compassion towards them? Perhaps understanding is not merely an expression of love; it is where love begins.

Understanding another person goes beyond hearing their words or observing their behaviour. It is the ability to look beyond what is immediately visible and appreciate their feelings, experiences, fears and aspirations. It is recognising the pain behind anger, the fear behind criticism and the longing behind silence. Sometimes, understanding does not come from asking more questions but from becoming quiet enough to listen.

Psychologically, understanding requires us to recognise that every individual experiences the world through a different emotional and mental framework. Our upbringing, conditioning, past experiences and insecurities influence how we interpret situations and respond to others. Unless we become aware of our own emotional filters, we may project our fears and expectations onto those around us.

Carl Rogers, a pioneer of person-centred therapy, emphasised empathy and non-judgmental listening. He believed that empathetic, non-judgmental listening creates an environment in which individuals can explore their feelings and understand themselves better. This is an important dimension of understanding. Most of us listen to reply, correct, defend or prove ourselves right. True understanding requires a different approach: listening to receive rather than listening to respond.

This also explains why self-understanding must precede understanding others. If we are unaware of our own emotional wounds and insecurities, we may interpret another person’s words or actions as personal attacks. Understanding ourselves helps us distinguish between what actually happened and how we interpreted it, allowing us to respond with greater awareness rather than react impulsively.

From a spiritual perspective, understanding takes us a step further. It involves recognising the interconnectedness of life and moving beyond the perceived separation between ourselves and others. When we appreciate this interconnectedness, compassion becomes less of an obligation and more of a natural response.

Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, expressed the relationship between understanding and love beautifully. In his teachings, he repeatedly emphasised that understanding another person’s suffering is essential to love and compassionate action. His concept of Interbeing reminds us that nothing exists independently; everything is interconnected and interdependent. When we recognise the circumstances and suffering that shape another person’s behaviour, our perspective changes. We may not agree with their actions, but we become less inclined to judge the person.

The Buddha’s teachings also begin with understanding suffering. The First Noble Truth asks us to recognise the reality of suffering in human existence. The Four Noble Truths go further, helping us understand its causes, recognise the possibility of its cessation and discover the path leading beyond it. This is not intended to make us pessimistic but to help us understand the human condition. When we recognise suffering in ourselves and others, we become more sensitive to the consequences of our words and actions. Instead of adding to suffering through anger, resentment and hostility, we learn to respond with awareness and compassion.

The Isha Upanishad offers another profound perspective when it speaks of the wise person who sees all beings in the Self and the Self in all beings. Such a vision transcends narrow identities and divisions. When we recognise a common underlying reality, hatred and hostility begin to lose their foundation.

But does understanding mean agreeing with everyone, accepting every behaviour or compromising our own convictions? Certainly not. Understanding does not demand submission or the abandonment of individuality. It requires us to appreciate another person’s perspective without making our own the only measure of truth. We can disagree without becoming hostile, correct someone without humiliating them and establish boundaries without losing compassion.

In everyday life, this understanding can transform our relationships. At home, it helps us look beyond arguments to recognise the emotions and unmet expectations underlying them. In the workplace, it encourages us to understand the problem rather than merely blame the person responsible. In friendships, it allows us to accept differences without constantly trying to change one another.

How, then, do we cultivate this quality? It begins with a few simple practices: listening without preparing our reply, pausing before reacting, reflecting on our assumptions and making a genuine effort to appreciate another person’s circumstances. Most importantly, we must approach relationships with the intention to understand rather than to prove ourselves right. When ego gives way to empathy, understanding becomes easier.

Perhaps love and understanding are two sides of the same reality. Love without understanding can slip into possessiveness, unrealistic expectations or mere attachment. Understanding without compassion can remain merely an intellectual exercise. When the two come together, relationships acquire depth, acceptance and authenticity.

Ultimately, understanding is not about seeing another person through our expectations but making an effort to see the world through their eyes. When we understand ourselves, we become less judgmental; when we understand others, we become more compassionate. And when compassion becomes a natural expression of our understanding, love finds its true meaning.